The Impact of Family Shunning

We humans are inherently social beings. This means that our social lives are critical to our health and wellbeing. In fact, researchers have shown that an individual’s survival depends on having strong long-lasting relationships. Taking into account the importance of our social life, it would be obvious to state that when an individual is shunned, it can have harmful effects on their mental wellbeing.

The human need for social connection is often used by leaders of communities, including families, to ensure that everyone is obeying the same collective views. Failure to do so is often punished, by the person being banished from the community. This phenomenon is often referred to as shunning. Essentially shunning is a form of social shame and humiliation. More specifically, shunning is a form of abuse: it is discrimination and silent bullying.

Research by Stand Alone, a UK charity that supports people who are estranged from relatives, suggests that estrangement affects at least one in five British families. One US study of more than 2,000 mother-child pairs found that 10 per cent of mothers were currently estranged from at least one adult child.

US psychologist Kipling Williams has made a lifetime studying shunning and its impact. Talking to Science Daily, Williams said, “Being excluded by high school friends, office colleagues, or even spouses or family members can be excruciating. And because ostracism is experienced in three stages, the life of those painful feelings can be extended for the long term. People and clinicians need to be aware of this so they can avoid depression or other negative experiences.”

Williams found the process of shunning includes three stages: the initial acts of being ignored or excluded, coping and resignation.

In the initial phase, the brain’s dorsal anterior cingulate cortex, which registers physical pain, also feels this social injury.

The second stage, coping, varies according to the individual. Coping can mean the person tries harder to be included. For example, some of those who are shunned may be more likely to engage in behaviours that increase their future inclusion by complying, obeying orders, cooperating or expressing attraction.

“They will go to great lengths to enhance their sense of belonging and self-esteem,” Williams said.

If they feel there is little hope for re-inclusion or that they have little control over their lives, they may resort to provocative behaviour and even aggression. “At some point, they stop worrying about being liked, and they just want to be noticed,” Williams said.

However, if a person has been shunned for a long time, they may not have the ability to continue coping as the pain lingers. Some people may give up, Williams said.

“The third stage is called resignation. This is when people who have been ostracized are less helpful and more aggressive to others in general,” he said. “It also increases anger and sadness, and long-term ostracism can result in alienation, depression, helplessness and feelings of unworthiness.”

If you find yourself the target of family shunning, the first thing you should do is reach out and obtain psychological support. Williams also says that it’s helpful for people who experience shunning to become decisive in small matters outside the shunning environment, such as choosing which movie to go to with your partner, to give them a sense of control. The more a person who is shunned takes control of their life in small matters, the more confident they will feel in their social world.

You might be interested to learn more from Kipling Williams’ book “Ostracism: The Power of Silence”.

• Topics:

• Health & Wellbeing
• Mental Health & Wellbeing